I wasn't sure if I would ever write/publish this, but it has been on my heart for the past few weeks. And through the encouragement of our MOPS leader I am challenged to Be Brave and share my story. I don't think another August 4 will ever go by without me thinking of what might have been. For the many of you reading this who don't know, this was the scheduled delivery date of our second baby. We experienced a miscarriage at the start of the year and it's taken me 8 months to have the courage to write about it. I wanted to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I had friends who shared their stories with me and it helped me get through the tough times. The community of those who have lost little ones is large, but I found that it isn't talked about due to a variety of reasons. I guess embarrassment, sadness, exposure and grief. I know that I felt all of those at one point or another. Support comes at the beginning, but like with any loss slowly trickles away after time passes. And the one experiencing the loss is left to deal with the remaining grief. Here's an excerpt from a book I recently read.
"Parents have very intense reactions to the death of a child. These reactions, however, are rarely acknowledged or addressed by the public at large and, as a result these actions are often private, intense, and unresolved."*
I had a great deal of support through this time and by God's grace I was able to "move on" rather quickly. It's only through him that this was possible. I knew that His plans were better than my own and that this wasn't meant to be. A friend of mine sent me the book, Safe in the Arms of God. It took me awhile to read it, as I thought I was ok and knew that my baby was in Heaven. After reading it I was encouraged by not only the confirmation that I would one day see my baby, but knowing that he/she would never have to endure the hardships of this cruel world. That may not be comforting for everyone, but it is for me. There are so many things that our child won't have to face and that he/she has been made perfect in God.
"The first and foremost thing we can conclude with certainty about a child is this: Every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny."*
I don't understand why our baby was taken from us, but I trust God's timing and purpose. As I write this, we are experiencing many things with Charlotte - sleep issues, teething and potty training, that I know God knew we would be going through and adding another little one at this time would have been stressful to say the least. I like to see the humor in things.
I wanted to remember what I was thinking and feeling in those days/weeks following our miscarriage. Here is what I wrote back in January.
On January 3, I was scheduled to see my doctor for my 9 week check up and ultrasound. We had been waiting for this day since we found out we were pregnant. After waiting for what seemed like forever we were finally called back. We received the general pregnancy spiel and were set to up to view the ultrasound. The NP showed us our baby began measuring, right on track, and showed us where the heart was. She became quiet and I instantly knew something was wrong. She turned on the microphone and honestly I didn't know what was I hearing. After looking around some more she informed us that she couldn't locate a heartbeat but was going to have another doctor take a look. I didn't break down yet God works miracles but I had a sense of hopelessness. We heard C's heartbeat loud and strong at 6 weeks. The doctor came in only to confirm what we already knew - we had lost our baby.
They began telling us what options we had. I was paying close attention if nothing else than to prevent myself from losing it. All of the options seemed awful. After what seemed like an eternity I could no longer hold it in and the first of many tears fell. I quickly pulled myself together knowing that I would soon have to face a room full of expectant mothers. I didn't want them to know what had happened. We headed to the lab to have blood drawn to see if it showed anything.
We took a few moments in the parking lot to cry before parting ways. I figured I could hold myself together enough to head to Costco which had been on the agenda. Boy was I wrong. A flood of tears came as I as driving. We picked up a few things in Costco but when I saw a mother with a baby the tears started coming again. I quickly brushed them away, paid and headed out to the car. The tears continued to stream down my face until we reached home. After spending some time loving on C I put her down for a nap and e-mailed a friend who I knew had recently went through the same thing. Finally after what seemed like forever, the tears slowed and I was able to rest. My friend had written me back and was encouraging. Reminding me that although this is common it was not common to us and to allow myself time to grieve and process everything.
The next few days are a blur, but we did go to Sea World if nothing else than to enjoy time as a family and take our minds off everything. The next week I went in to see the doctor to discuss the options in further detail. As much I would have like to miscarried naturally, I wasn't showing signs that my body had realized what happened and it could take weeks for it to happen on its own. Knowing what I would experience waiting for the inevitable to happen was too much, as well as understanding that I might actually see what was the baby, I choose to go with a D&C. It seemed like the best decision to help me move past the grief. However, I agonized for days over this decision. I couldn't help but feel that I had given up on my baby, even though I knew he/she was gone.
Surgery day finally arrived. I had caught a cold in the days leading up and almost had to reschedule the surgery. When I spoke with the anesthesiologist she informed me that I wouldn't be a candidate to have general anesthesia. The other option was a local anesthetic for the pain, but I would be awake for the the procedure. The doctor came in and talked with us about what that meant and asked me if I could handle it. I wasn't sure I could but knew that I wanted to have the surgery. We proceeded into the OR and after a few moments I feel asleep and didn't wake up until after the surgery. God is so good. My recovery was relatively easy and I feel blessed that I didn't experience much pain. I spent the next week or so trying to "recover" and to myself. I wasn't ready to face people yet.
Slowly life got back to normal. Routine helped to move on. After a few weeks I was able to think about what happened without crying. People were sweet, but it still felt weird to discuss. I had to take a break from FB. So many people we knew were expecting and most of those friends were having their babies and posting photos of them. Normal expectant parent things. I didn't begrudge any of them. I was extremely happy for them, but the loss was still raw and it hurt.
We found in March that we were expecting again. At first it was hard to get excited. We still had to wait until the 8 week mark to see my doctor. Those 8 weeks were filled with dread. I kept comparing the two pregnancies to see if there was any similarities. There were a few, but once we heard a heartbeat we were over the moon and I forgot about my worries, at least for a few days. I know that babies can be lost anytime during pregnancy and even after. I am so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby and every week that goes by and he continues to grow inside. I will never forget the one we lost, but I am very thankful for the two we have.
One thing that I have learned through this process is that people experience pain on the inside without showing signs on the outside. Yes, I realize this is obvious, but I've become more aware. Social media is great, but it can also be in your face. I now post less about certain things because, I don't want to cause someone else to struggle.
If you know someone or you are going through this yourself give yourself/them time to heal. Let them know you are available when they are ready. This might be right away, months later or never. Around their due date, ask them how they are doing. Maybe even take them out, so they aren't alone. Encourage them to join an online forum or group to talk about their experience with others who are going through the same thing. Miscarriage isn't easy to discuss, especially if you haven't gone through it yourself.
I leave you with a verse that helped me through this difficult time. I wrote down the reference wrong, so I don't remember where I found it.
Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious, but you know that in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I am willing. Never must my suffering be in vain.
